The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words.

•Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

• The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

• I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

• I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

• The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

• I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

• In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.

• As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

• I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

• As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

• To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
• My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

• An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

• I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

• The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.

• The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

• I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

• The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

• I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way
causing me to have an accident.

BETHESDA, MD—According to sources at the Allstate Insurance Company, CIA Director Michael Hayden purchased nuclear-attack insurance Wednesday, paying a $100,000 monthly premium for his homes in suburban Washington, Pittsburgh, and near Cheyenne Mountain, CO. “It’s a typical nuclear policy that protects the insured from damages caused by fallout—pretty straightforward, though at that monthly rate, I don’t usually sell too many of them,” said Bethesda, MD–based Allstate agent Gary Rutter, adding that Hayden paid for the first premium with a certified bank check to guarantee that the policy would take effect no later than next Monday. “After he purchased the insurance, he asked again if everything was set for Monday. I assured him it was, and then he left.” Insurance agents throughout the D.C. area reported selling 35 such policies in the last week, all to high-ranking government officials.

Mr. John Johnson III, was a rich old man was dying from a rare disease. On his deathbed, he called for his insurance agent, doctor and preacher:

“I trusted each you my entire life. Now I want to give each of you $30,000 cash in an envelope to put in my grave. I want to take it with me.”

Mr. Johnson died and at the funeral, each one placed the envelope on top of the man, then he was laid to rest.

On the way from the funeral, in the limo, the doctor confessed “I must tell you gentlemen, I only put $20,000 on top of Mr. Johnson, I wanted buy this new machine that would enable me to diagnose his rare disease and save others. It’s what he would have wanted.”

Then the preacher said: “I have to confess, I only put $10,000 on top of Mr. Johnson. We needed that money to help more homeless, and it’s what Mr. Johnson would’ve wanted”

The insurance agent was angry at both the man, and said: “I can’t believe both of you, stealing from a dead man. I wrote Mr. Johnson a check for the full $30,000!”

Medicare Health Insurance, in a nutshell:
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, “Hello.”
“Mrs. Ward, please.” “Speaking”
“Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband’s biopsy to the lab yesterday, a
biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain
which one is your husband’s. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible.”
“What do you mean?” Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
“Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the
other one tested positive for AIDS.
We can’t tell which your husband’s is.”
“That’s dreadful! Can’t you do the test again?” questioned Mrs. Ward.
“Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests
one time.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”
“The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep
with him.”

* Asian drivers excluded