The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words.

•Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

• The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

• I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

• I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

• The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

• I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

• In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.

• As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

• I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

• As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

• To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
• My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

• An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

• I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

• The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.

• The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

• I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

• The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

• I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way
causing me to have an accident.

BETHESDA, MD—According to sources at the Allstate Insurance Company, CIA Director Michael Hayden purchased nuclear-attack insurance Wednesday, paying a $100,000 monthly premium for his homes in suburban Washington, Pittsburgh, and near Cheyenne Mountain, CO. “It’s a typical nuclear policy that protects the insured from damages caused by fallout—pretty straightforward, though at that monthly rate, I don’t usually sell too many of them,” said Bethesda, MD–based Allstate agent Gary Rutter, adding that Hayden paid for the first premium with a certified bank check to guarantee that the policy would take effect no later than next Monday. “After he purchased the insurance, he asked again if everything was set for Monday. I assured him it was, and then he left.” Insurance agents throughout the D.C. area reported selling 35 such policies in the last week, all to high-ranking government officials.

I know this is very loosely insurance related, but I thought it was too funny to pass up:

Apparently a lot of people have attempted to see if they can steal LifeLock CEO Todd Davis’s social security number. In fact, he wants you to try as you’ve likely seen in the LifeLock ads. Those people have failed–except one. And that person who managed to get a $500 loan with Davis’s number was a mentally-challenged man who inadvertently revealed one startling thing LifeLock overlooked: Some (and I do stress some) loan companies don’t do credit checks before giving people loans. I know that sounds almost impossible, though some loan sharks out there apparently don’t bother based on the notion a social security number is sufficient enough to charge the person high interest fees if the company so chooses. Fortunately, Davis’s wife discovered what happened–and Davis demanded a confession from the man–adding up to no criminal trial as the result. Had it not have been noticed, though, LifeLock ads would be considered a laughing stock…and already are for a few out there.

For anyone still planning to buy LifeLock, use Promo Code JBAZ35 and get a 10% discount.

Mr. John Johnson III, was a rich old man was dying from a rare disease. On his deathbed, he called for his insurance agent, doctor and preacher:

“I trusted each you my entire life. Now I want to give each of you $30,000 cash in an envelope to put in my grave. I want to take it with me.”

Mr. Johnson died and at the funeral, each one placed the envelope on top of the man, then he was laid to rest.

On the way from the funeral, in the limo, the doctor confessed “I must tell you gentlemen, I only put $20,000 on top of Mr. Johnson, I wanted buy this new machine that would enable me to diagnose his rare disease and save others. It’s what he would have wanted.”

Then the preacher said: “I have to confess, I only put $10,000 on top of Mr. Johnson. We needed that money to help more homeless, and it’s what Mr. Johnson would’ve wanted”

The insurance agent was angry at both the man, and said: “I can’t believe both of you, stealing from a dead man. I wrote Mr. Johnson a check for the full $30,000!”